At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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