Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
