I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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