Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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