I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
