Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
