I just made out with a guy for $7.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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