Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
