im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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