Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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