____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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