Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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