Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
