i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
50% drunk capacity currently
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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