Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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