I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
