You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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