There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
