I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
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and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
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Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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