If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
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