when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
