im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
