The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
