Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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