I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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