You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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