if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
