He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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