My hand turned me down
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
