I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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