I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
