hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
