Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
