hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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