lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
