he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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