Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She told me I should be a condom model.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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