so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
