Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
