I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my vag is so smooth its legendary
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Are we still banned from the library?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
