false alarm. still invincible.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
