Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
