This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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