I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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