Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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