for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
