Only a mothe r could love this liver
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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