At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
