This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
