Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
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