she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
