It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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