I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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