She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
