weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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