On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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